After a Rest

I have been struggling. My energy has been low, my creativity almost nil, and for a few days there in February my brain was like hey here is how you could kill yourself if you wanted to. Dear reader, don’t fret. I most certainly did NOT want to, but suicidal ideation is just that, unwanted thoughts of self harm that float through our brains when we are worn out, depressed, overwhelmed, and tired. After the constant adaptation and change of ministry in the pandemic, helping our daughter prepare for college, and managing the care of my in-laws for 3 years,  along with the constant worry serving on the school board brings I am all of those things- worn out, depressed, overwhelmed, and tired. I will be taking off the entire month of July for a renewal leave.  It it such a privilege that my job as a pastor understands the dangers of burnout and the all consuming nature of the work of caring for people and serving as a spiritual leader.

A few months ago I took off the week for Spring break. Coming back from that rest I felt so much better, much more like my normal self and so my brain started to say things like do you really need to take July off, isn’t this week enough? And the answer is no. The week helped, but I can tell I’m still not well. I get resentful quickly, find myself dreading things I used to love. When I check in with myself what I find is that I’m tired. Not sleepy, but tired of bearing the responsibility, organizing the things, making it work, figuring out a plan.

I love my job so much. My husband often says that I have found a way to get paid to be myself. Which is a pretty wonderful place from which to live my life and serve God and I know I will get back to being in the flow with the Holy Spirit.  There are so many examples of people taking a break, resting in the bible.  Jesus does it all the time. And while I am not Jesus, like him I am human. I need to honor the commandments to rest and renew, something I have not been doing a good job with lately.

While I am gone David Engle will be handling building matters as chair of trustees, Joelle McKnight will be doing pastoral care triage, and Jim Lamb will be keeping the admin stuff in order by checking the mail and the phone messages.

Thank you all for the space to rest and tend to my weary soul. See you in August!

-Eilidh