A few weeks ago I witnessed a traumatic event. I was fine in the moment, but now when I think back it’s like puffs of memory. I can see very clearly specific moments, but other parts are just a blur. Driving home afterwards I was starting to be in shock, it felt like I had tunnel vision and everything seemed darker then it should be. I chose to return to taking minutes at the meeting I was attending online that day, although I could easily have asked to step out. I know myself and I would have been spiraling all afternoon. This way I was distracted, but I was definitely slower mentally than normal and had to ask for people to repeat things several times during the meeting. I remember very little of that meeting, so thank goodness the minutes I took were actually pretty coherent! After all of this I had to lie down. I was so tired. It felt like I was moving through jello and everything was harder. I actually felt physically sore and weary from holding all that emotion. That night friends had us over for pizza and baby snuggles and it wasn’t until after that time that I felt back to normal at all.
When I talk about that day I still get teary, I still remember the fogginess, the ache in my chest. At mom’s coffee this week the moms were checking in on me and talking about how glad they were that I had been there. I cried and so did they. It was cathartic to talk about the day and my reactions.
Trauma changes us. Intense emotion has a long lasting effect on us. That may be trauma from an event we witness or experience it might be trauma from a broken and oppressive society, or from anxiety and fear of an uncertain future. The trick to dealing with it is to learn how your brain reacts and to chose the things that help you. For me it’s distraction, rest, and community. I am so thankful I had all three that day and that my community continues to love me as we try to walk through this world in love together.
-Eilidh
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