Last week as I looked out at the gathering on Sunday morning I felt sad. There were 15 of us in the Sanctuary and it just felt like not enough. A visitor had made some cutting remarks about there being “no one” at worship. And suddenly our gathering seemed inadequate.
At dessert church we’ve been holding steady at 8 for the past year. Our family, and two other families. And it’s wonderful, but is it enough? 8 years in shouldn’t we have tons of people? Yes we have 2 gatherings including snack church, but they are down to 3 people regularly attending.
Including 1/3 of our weekly Facebook views our 3 regular worship gatherings average 59 people a week. Is that enough? And if it’s not enough it surely must be my fault. If I was a better preacher, a better evangelist, if I did better pastoral care than we would have a bigger church. And yes I realize how incredibly self-centered that is. I know that the parish isn’t about me, and yet as the spiritual leader it’s hard not to take on the responsibility for the state of the church.
I know that the reality is the state of our church is amazing. We have deep connections with one another. Our finances are in great shape. We are learning and growing. We are having deep conversations about racism, who we are, and how we live. We are journeying together as we celebrate the birth of a baby, as we face change and all the pieces that make up life. But in my mind success looks like numbers, looks like butts in seats. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake that notion so I constantly have to remind myself that it is enough. Enough that we gather. Enough that 15 of us show up in person. Enough that people join us online. Enough that we have formed deep relationships. Enough that God is with us here and now as we take our next steps as a community. And this I know really is not about me, but about the one who takes our not enough and turns it in to more than we could have imagined.
-Eilidh
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