I have heard and read about gaslighting. I have been able to point it out to other folks in their lives. I consider myself a strong person who is savvy and aware and able to claim my own agency, so it is with not a little shame that I recently came to realize that over the past several years I have been manipulated by someone who constantly sowed doubts in my mind about my own ability and worthiness. I have questioned my own memory and made excuses for this person.
One instance of this was when this person told me that my work was fluff and would need to be totally redone. They said they would email me some specifics and yet a month later I had received no information. When I approached them at a meeting to follow up they denied that conversation had even happened, lectured me for being anxious, and told me my work was fine. How did I get it so wrong? How did I misunderstand the situation so badly? I came up with all sorts of reasons to excuse the behavior and blame myself. Now I realize this was part of a pattern. Changed deadlines, requests to be vulnerable in public, being called anxious and sensitive, questioning of my ability and faith, claims that things had never happened, and more now make sense which makes me feel less crazy. However this understanding of the pattern doesn’t change the toll this has taken on me as I tried my best to be professional and learn and grow as a pastor.
I have seen these things happen to others. In meetings I have seen people who were passionate and excited about their ministry cut off at the knees by questions of their ability. I have been in rooms where others were crying out to be heard and to be able to tell their own stories and were instead ignored. I have begun to share my awareness of this psychological manipulation with others and peer after peer has teared up, or offered an amen, or said yes this is my story with this person too.
Being able to receive feedback is very important to a pastor. We are constantly learning and adjusting. It’s crucial for ministers to continue to learn and grow, but this, this is not that. This is a pattern of undermining. Pastors are already out on a limb, engaging in emotionally difficult, risky work. We cannot have the very leaders who are meant to guide and support us actively adding on to the doubt and suffering of this work through gaslighting.
I am writing this today for all those who have been manipulated in these ways. As a smart, capable, self-assured woman I tell you it can happen to us all. And it is not okay. And it’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. It can take a long time to recognize this stuff and that’s okay too.
It is so incredibly difficult to share this. I fear you might read it and say that person was right, all these things about Eilidh’s unworthiness and sensitivity are true. Yet I am writing this anyway because while it makes me more vulnerable to share some of the painful things said to and about me, it is so very powerful to name the destructive behavior of others and to not remain silent. I have shared my story with those who have the ability to correct and change the situation. All I can do now is try to reclaim what I know to be true about myself. It will take time, but I trust that now that I see it, now that I can name it, now that I know, I will be set free and the stress and pain of this season might be transformed. May it be so for you as well.
-Eilidh
Recent Comments