It’s no secret to regular readers of this blog that I have anxiety disorder. I’ve written before about the stress of losing our cat (who was later found) and my general anxiety related to doing new start work. This past month I experienced a kind of anxiety I’ve never had before. In the week following General Conference I hit a new low. I think it was all of the stress of the proceeding 2 1/2 weeks catching up with me. I had three anxiety attacks. Mine come as a panicky feeling coupled with an overwhelming sense that everyone finds me stupid and annoying. I feel like I can’t breathe and everything takes a huge amount of effort. Normally when I am stressed I find comfort in my friends, but it was almost like I was done with people. It is possible that this incredibly extroverted girl hit her people max. I guess 5000 United Methodists will do that to a person.
During General Conference I did all the right things. I took time off. I made sure to get enough sleep and to eat properly. I had time alone to watch TV or read a book. I realized as I made this list that I was blaming myself for my anxiety. Surely if I had done something differently I would’ve been fine, but the reality is if I got a cold after General Conference I would not have been engaged in the same self blaming.
It would be nice to say that I read the scripture about not worrying and prayed away all of the junk in my head. But what actually happened was I just needed time. Time to do nothing. Time to cry. Time to pretend I was fine. Time to be fine and then to relapse into anxiety. Time to ask my husband for help. Time to remember that depression and anxiety lie. And yes time to pray.
Ministry is hard. Life is hard. And sometimes we kind of fall apart. No matter what mountain you’re climbing or issues you are facing remember to be gentle with yourself and offer the gracious gift of time.
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