When I was in seminary we were in a class talking about theology around sex. The professor asked us to think about what we had been taught about sex from a religious perspective. In the middle of this discussion one of my friends, Dawn, shared the quip- sex is dirty, save it for the one you love. And I realized how true this was. I remember as a child of abut 7 I suddenly refused to sleep with my teddy bear and then dressed him in a dress and started calling him Mrs. Teddy because I got the message that it was somehow wrong to sleep in the same bed as males. And then as I got older and attended weddings for aunt and uncles, and heard about the gift of sex and the joy of coming together in marriage.
This bad, dirty, shameful thing was suddenly a blessing. What had been forbidden was now hinted at as being fun and important, sacred even in connecting people. The whiplash of that can leave lasting scars. I have done more than my share of talking with women, especially older women about their bodies and sex and the ways they are ashamed and fearful when it comes to their own sexuality.
How do we share values of the importance and sacredness of sex and the joy of connection without going to the side of making sex bad and dangerous? How do we affirm sexuality as part of what God made in us without using fear to control our desires and feelings?
My parenting around sex has always tried to express that this is something special that we share in love, but one day when our daughter was 6 she asked what the word sexy meant (Thank you to the song I’m Sexy and I know it). As I responded my husband pointed out that I was saying all negative things so I had to switch it up and say it also meant being confident in our bodies, being beautiful, and more.
The lessons we learned, to fear our bodies, to associate sex with negative things, to share shame about our feelings are places we can explore this lent as we give up the theologies that harm us. What does God, who made us body and soul want for us? That is a great place to being.
-Eilidh
